In Which Casual Was Missed by a Long Shot
by HonoraryHobbit
Summary: The result of a late night conversation, most of which I do not recall. What happens when you cross Hobbits and Frozen? This is the story of how Legolas and Anna became spies, Tauriel got stuck in the rain, and Elsa learns the true meaning of Christmas.


**Hello there. A few things:  
This is an absolute piss-take on romantic tropes, and in doing so, I butchered these lovely characters, so I'd like to apologise for that.  
Whilst Elsa and Tauriel have next to no evidence of being lesbian, let alone for each other, I have chosen to ignore that and have a bit of fun. I'm not taking this seriously, and I advise you don't either. I don't even know where this story is going. **

**I know the beginning is actually awful, but you're reading this far, so there's not much hope for any of us.**

_**The result of a late night conversation, most of which I do not recall. What happens when you cross Hobbits and Frozen? This is the very odd story of how Legolas and Anna became spies, Tauriel got stuck in the rain, and Elsa learns the true meaning of Christmas.**_

It's just another day in Arendelle and after the Big Thaw; Anna managed to convince her sister to make the Ice rink a weekly show. It took a lot of persuasion, but that's another story.  
Elsa never really did the big crowd thing, if she's honest. But then she's never really been in a big crowd, so it's sort of justified.

Elsa stands by the door, content to watch the world glide by, contemplating life and other matters. Like her dress. She looks pretty damn fine today, dark blue dress with silver embroidery and white trim, _hell yeah _she looks fine. This new confidence thing suits her, she thinks. It's so good to see all the people smiling. Especially Anna, she looks so content with Kristoff. Yeah, they're not getting married until at least 15 dates. That rule's not changing.

And it's that thought running through her head when a party of Elves burst through the gates.

They promptly fall upon their behinds, save two; a blond…man yep. That's a male. And a red-headed female, both slightly crouched, probably to avoid slipping. Their clothes were well-fitting, and must have been hand-made, but they were covered in patches of dark, sticky liquid. It was, it couldn't have been, blood. And yet, all of them had blood stains and cuts all over their skin.  
Something's wrong.

Elsa abandons her post at the door and runs across the ice with ease, notably surprising their new guests.  
"I am Queen Elsa, welcome to Arendelle. I can see you need help, that much is obvious, but what are elves doing _here_?"

"I am –"  
"Legolas, let me do the talking, you scared the last one" the red-head cut off her friend.

"I assure you, I am not easily scared."

At that, the female's head flicked round, and met her right in the eyes, and Elsa just couldn't help but get lost in the brown eyes in front of her... wait they're going up, what's happening?

"Whoa, you're tall" Anna's voice carried from the back of the courtyard. The blond male raised an eyebrow in her direction as an awkward air came to rest on their shoulders.

"_Who are these giants?" _thought Elsa, trying not to look at those beautiful brown eyes once more. "…_wait, what"_  
The red-haired woman spoke again. "To answer your question, we are Silvan Elves from Mirkwood Forest, and we are hunted. Will you let us shelter in your Kingdom for a few days to throw our scent." The elf's eyes caught the queen's once more, rendering the poor girl speechless. Tauriel could be quiet intense for a first meeting. 

Elsa tried to reply, but instead choked on her own tongue, stumbled forward like a baby deer, and fell face first into a certain redhead's thighs, taking them both down to the icy floor.

The awkward air had just turned into a thick fog.

The Queen bolted upright, her face aflame, eyes firmly fixed downwards. Propping herself on her elbow, Tauriel rubbed the back of her head; it had hit the floor with quite a thwack. She looked to smile at the woman, but changed her mind, and instead flicked her gaze to the sky. "Casual was missed by a long shot" Legolas mused, and made no attempt to help either.

Anna tried to salvage the situation. "Of course you can, come inside and rest. We don't get many elves around these parts. Mind you don't slip" The princess said with a smile, as she lead the wounded party inside the castle, with the blond elf and the queen following behind, her head hanging low.

"She's Tauriel, one of our best fighters. You don't mess with Tauriel." the elf chuckled, trying to ease the woman's pain. "I'm Legolas; my father is the King of the Woodland Realm of Northern Mirkwood. It's a good get-out-of-jail-free card." He said with a grin.

"It is our honour to help you, prince," Elsa said, with a tight smile. "We never get many elves in our gates, however, it is your Realm that we have a trade link with, am I right?"

"Indeed. Please, Legolas is just fine. It was Tauriel's idea to come here. She said that the queen is kind, as well as beautiful."

Elsa raised an eyebrow, amusement written all over her face. "Flattery will get you everywhere." She winked at the elf, and shut the doors of the palace.

The Elves were led to the small, private living room. It was warm and cosy; a fire blazing, a deep red paint on the walls, hung with rich and beautiful tapestries. It was most certainly the private quarters of the queen. The fire's heat spread through the room quickly, for which the frozen guests were very grateful. It was peaceful, quite, and comforting, Tauriel thought. She'd have to make her own room like this. She stood up, not without wincing, and wandered about, taking the room in. She was deep in examining a tapestry of an old fairy tale when the Princess burst in with bandages and water. Closely followed by Kristoff and Elsa; carrying bread, cheese and more bandages. Anna starts fussing over the party, seeing one wound at a time. Kristoff keeps everyone in good supply of cheese, helping Anna splint arms and relocate shoulders. Tauriel stood by her tapestry and kept her arms folded across her stomach.

"Good choice." A voice came from beside her shoulder. Tauriel's head flicked round to see the blonde queen from before, her arms folded across her ribcage. "It's my favourite story; I used to read it all the time as a child. It was only me who understood the story." She continued, her eyes looked over the thread fondly.

"Would you care to enlighten me?" The elf said, with an eyebrow high in the air.  
"It's the story of a princess, who vows to stay in her tower until a prince came to her rescue. She waited and waited, but eventually tires of it. She climbs out the tower and goes into a village, where she meets three men. The first is a jester she saves from public torture, and he looks at her as if she was a gift from heaven. The second is a merchant she knocks into in the square, and ruins his packages. The third is a prince, and he blames her for his desires, he calls her an evil temptress. When she is about to leave, she ask one man to go with her."

Tauriel tried to follow the tapestry, but couldn't make head nor tail of the beautiful thread before her. "Which one did the princess choose?" she asked, after a moment's silence.

Elsa smiled. "The merchant. The jester called her an angel. The prince called her a demon. The merchant called her a human, and treated her so. It's a beautiful tale." She let her eyes flick upwards, studying the profile of the other woman.

"It is beautiful," Tauriel agreed, "but why is it only you who understood? And how did you come to understand?" The puzzled strain was only too clear, and the wistful smile Elsa wore became laced with sarcasm. Much to the surprise of the elf, the blond rose up on her tiptoes, her mouth beside her ear, and smirked

"It reads left to right."

As sudden as it started, whatever had overcome the queen left, and she sharply drew away, and stared at the rug on the floor as if it were the most detailed thing in existence.

"You should let Anna heal you; she's the best healer I know. I'd trust her with my life." Elsa's voice was almost a whisper, and a light blush spread over her cheeks. "You should let her see that wound."

"She should see my company before myself; I would take up her valuable time. Besides, how well does she fare with blood?" Tauriel tried not to stare in wonder at her cheeks; it was the most human action she'd seen in her host so far.

The queen considered. "I don't think she's had too much experience, but what's the worst that could happen?" She looked over to Anna who had just finished binding a deep gash on Legolas' calf. "Come. She'll be more than happy to help you." The elf reluctantly followed to the free chair by the fire, if only to avoid more eye contact.

"You must be Tauriel. Your friend was just telling me about you." Anna smiled as she cleaned her hands. "You're very brave, to fight off 1000 orcas with just a broken sword."

"Legolas, what myths have you been weaving about me?" More amused than angry, Tauriel eased herself into a plump armchair. Her arm gave way, and she collapsed, pain splintering from her waist.

"Whoa there" Anna's arms flew outwards, a natural reaction to help. The agony written on the elf's features pushed all jokes aside, and Anna straight into business. "Kristoff, get me towels. Sorry Tauriel, but I'm going to have to ruin your shirt." And with that, she ripped the blood-soaked shirt away from the skin, revealing a wound on her waist line, bleeding more with every breath. Had she not been fighting pain, spreading like a poison from the wound, Tauriel would feel rather exposed. However, she just could not find it in her to care about anything other than the rather large amount of blood she was losing, and the fact that a rather relieving ice pack had been strapped around her middle. A small sigh escaped as the first trickle of water ran down her side, her expression relaxed, and she her eyes flicked shut.

Had her eyes been open, Tauriel would have seen a certain Queen be the one to replenish the ice around her wound, and make an expression akin to a wounded puppy. Legolas, however, had his eyes wide open, and saw the whole act.

Elsa froze like a deer in the headlights.

"Gandalf can do that too, it's not such a big deal, you know. Remind me to introduce you to Thorin, you'd get along great"

"You're… not bothered." Elsa said, her voice screaming uncertainty. "The people round here proclaimed me a witch, and you're not calling these powers a _big deal._"

"We're not from round here. There's all sorts of magic in Middle Earth, you'd find this in a festival of some kind. It's a party trick, nothing more." He paused, a frown settling on his face. "I can't believe you don't have dragons here."


End file.
